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Tonight is Bellator 99. Weirdly, Bellator has discovered a fight I’m actually interested in. They searched under rocks and rooted around under plants until they unearthed two irrelevant fighters with names I look back on with fondness. Bjorn Rebney has been on safari in the UFC parking lot and he has brought back with him one janitor and one for real assassin.

The Janitor is Vladimir Matyushenko, a kindly old man who once, legend has it, fought for a UFC belt in the year 2001. And the Assassin is Houston Alexander, DJ and father to 37 children.

Houston is responsible for some of my favorite MMA memories. From Joe Rogan heralding his arrival to the upper echelon of the light heavyweight division after back-to-back KOs of Keith Jardine and Alessio Sakara, to Houston announcing his return to earth with a KO loss to Thiago Silva the very next fight, to… whatever it was Houston was doing when he spent 15 minutes pretending he was on the Kimbo Slice merry-go-round.

Let’s take a quick look back at his UFC career, shall we?

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Big news! Apparently BJ Penn is still a fighter!

Also, Frankie Edgar’s next three fights announced by Joe Silva: BJ Penn, Gray Maynard, Ben Henderson

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What an exciting time for Fixie MMA to be alive. Last year it began with a post about Alexander Gustafsson’s Fuel TV event. At the time, I was not at all excited for his main event bout, which is why it’s exciting to see how far he’s come since then. Today he’s evolved into a fighter fighting in a main event that I am still not excited about.

Below, my thoughts on who you should root for on the main card.

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Jon Jones!
What can a Jon Jones hater say about Jon Jones that hasn’t already been said? Probably nothing. So let’s go back to some really old shit and talk about his fight against Matt Hamill, the first and only man ever to defeat Jon Jones. Many people complained that Matt Hamill should not have won that fight, as at the time he scored his tremendous victory, he was quite busy having his skull dug into the canvas for future MMA archaeologists to discover and theorize about his swinger mating habits. What people seem to forget is that Jon Jones was also quite insistent on breaking the rules as he worked to finish the fight. Whatever you think of the rule that doesn’t allow for “12 to 6” elbows (correct opinion: it’s a stupid rule), it’s still a rule. And in sports, if you don’t follow the rules, sometimes you get penalized. And sometimes that penalty, whether it was caused by a brain fart or blatant cheating, leads to someone losing the sporting event. Matt Hamill may not have won that fight, but Jon Jones certainly lost it. I, for one, hope Jon Jones loses his upcoming fight by ring-out. As in he tosses Gustafsson out of the cage and then does his best LeBron James incredulous face when he’s disqualified.

Versus!

Alexander Gustafsson!
I’ve seen multiple Alexander Gustafsson fights at this point. I’ve even gone back and looked at highlights. I still don’t remember anything about any of his fights. The win over Shogun that got Gustafsson his title fight was nine months ago and since then, Shogun’s more recent loss to Chael Sonnen has completely overwritten the “Shogun’s latest UFC loss” part of my brain. The fact that Gustafsson lost to bad, boring fighter Phil Davis makes me think Gustafsson is also a bad, boring fighter even though that fight was three years ago. On the other hand, Gustafsson did beat Matt Hamill, something hilarious MMA comedians like me will continue to point out with all of Jon Jones’ opponents for the rest of his career.

Who you should root for! Alexander Gustafsson.
Why?? Because it will finally force me to remember something Gustafsson has done.

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Bellator 106: Rampage vs. Tito
November 2, 2013 only on PPV

Known Injuries

Tito Ortiz: According to sources, San Andreas Fault is actually one long Tito Ortiz skull fracture.

Rampage Jackson: Broken heart from mean things Ariel Helwani has said about him behind his back.

Keys to Victory

Tito Ortiz: Must make sure no one knows how he replaced Rampage Jackson with Ryan Bader in black face.

Rampage Jackson: Must remember to eat food, but not so much that he gets fat. Also, must make sure the demon that lives in his radio hasn’t disguised itself as a cornerman.

Best MMA Moments

Tito Ortiz: Ortiz vs. Shamrock 3.  Tito finally gets the last punch in his Ken Shamrock punch card, winning him the right to fight opponents he will lose to.

Rampage Jackson: The time his walkout gimmick was actually driving a monster truck into the ring. The stunt resulted in very few casualties, no fetus deaths and a manslaughter charge for Kazushi Sakuraba, who accepted his ill luck with the grace and good humor befitting his legend.

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1. Mike “Stinky Bastard" Brown - A fight that time forgot, but a gas that passed into legend.

2. Alistair “Cock Guy" Overeem - After two straight knockout losses, only time will tell if Overeem still has so much cock.

3. Chael “Butt Face" Sonnen - Explains why so many of his face-offs have been awkward.

4. Yoshihiro “” Akiyama - Sometimes the less said about a man, the better.

5. Dan “Takeout" Henderson - Because it’s about time someone gave Dangerous Decision Dan Hollywood Hendo Big Right Handerson Henderson a nickname that stuck.

6. Yves “The Arian National" Edwards - It’s okay, he’s black.

7. BJ “Dot Com” Penn - BJ Penn Dot Com? BJ Penn Dot Com.

8. Chuck “Look in His Eyes" Liddell - A YouTube commenter called him Chuck “The Eye’s Man” Liddell, but I’d feel bad about using it because A) I didn’t write it and B) it’s a YouTube comment so I’m sure it must actually be racist in some hidden way.

9. War “Jonathan Koppenhaver" Machine - His adult film career probably earned him other nicknames I don’t want to know about.

10. Fedor “Goat” Emeliananko - 10th? TENTH?!

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Dan Henderson Wins a Pizza

One of those stories that’s been floating around the Internet forever.  I cleaned it up a little and added a nice picture of a slice of pizza.

If you have any idea who wrote it down, let me know.  All the weird typos in the original almost lead me to believe that Hendo wrote it down himself.

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The weigh-ins for “UFC on FOX Sports 1… 2” took place tonight and everyone made weight.  I’m not sure why any of us watch these.  Watching men stand on a scale and smile has to be one of the weirder Internet fetishes I personally partake in.

Above, Donald Cerrone demonstrates he’s just like us by taking a nap at a boring sports event; Benny Alloway misses on his way in for an eskimo kiss; Joe Silva confirms for Zak Cummings that, yes, that was kinda weird and this is a very silly sport; Dylan Andrews tries to shake Papy Abedi’s fist in a new take on the traditional awkward-handshake-meets-dap encounter; and a luchador discovers jewelry is difficult to remove over leather.

The main card for Condit vs. Kampmann II begins at 8 tomorrow night on FOX Sports 1.

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Shit just got real.
Look for Wanderlei “I Didn’t Know They Could Stack Crap That High" Silva vs. Chael "Butt Face" Sonnen on a PPV card before the end of the year.
Gentlemen, we’re on national television.

Shit just got real.

Look for Wanderlei “I Didn’t Know They Could Stack Crap That High" Silva vs. Chael "Butt Face" Sonnen on a PPV card before the end of the year.

Gentlemen, we’re on national television.

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1. Leonard Garcia - Fantastic at avoiding damage during segments of the fight spent flirting with the judges.

2. Papy Abedi - Really looks like he’s trying out there, you know?

3. Keith Jardine - Has already reached career goal of becoming most senior academic MMA official. Needs to work on attitude.

4. Kamal Shalorus - Displays great ocular awareness.

5. Jamie Varner - Has that look in his eye.  That look that says, “Ow. I’ve been poked in the eye.”

6. Bob Sapp - Unmatched ability to make his opponents feel embarrassed for fighting him.

7. Jake Shields - Unidentifiable odor.

8. Nick Newell - Always zen-like in the cage because he knows the sound of one hand clapping?

9. Tito Ortiz - Much like Vin Diesel, can disguise himself as any race.

10. Fedor Emelianenko - IT IS AN OUTRAGE HE IS RANKED THIS LOW.